Crystal Ball-oney
Some people are gifted prognosticators. Other people are very good at procrastinating. I’m both. I’m a prognastinator: I can predict the future but it takes me forever to get around to it.
So here we are, just hours away from 2020, and I’m finally offering my top ten predictions. You may scoff at the likelihood of the following forecasts coming true, but I have a nose for this sort of thing. No, really. Just before I get a vision of the future, my nose starts to bleed. That’s why people call me Nostrildamus.
I predict that as many as four readers will laugh at that joke.
Here are the rest of my prophetic insights for the coming year:
1) The new face of climate change, Swedish 15-year old Greta Thunberg, will become the new spokesperson for the popular chewy candy Swedish Fish. “Global fish populations are being devastated by rising sea temperatures,” she will say. “So I’m joining forces with the Swedish Fish brand to make a powerful statement about marine life’s depressing future.” A typical bag in 2019 contained 300 candy fish. In 2020 it will contain only one. In a press release, the maker of Swedish Fish will confirm that there will be no reduction in retail price however, stating, “You’ll be paying for increased environmental awareness. You’re welcome.”
2) Authorities will be no closer to solving the mystery of the 2019 fire at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris. Although a disfigured man will be discovered living in the bell tower, when questioned about who caused the blaze he will only admit to having a hunch.
3) At the upcoming 2020 wedding of celebrities Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez, whose combined net worth is $700 million, everyone in attendance, including the bride and groom, will erupt in uncontrollable laughter for a good ten minutes at the phrase “for richer or for poorer”.
4) Superheroes will continue to dominate pop culture as Broadway debuts a new Spider-Man musical. It will prove to be such a box office success that other famous musicals will awkwardly attempt to overhaul their storylines to include the wall-crawling crimefighter as well. In the works: Web Side Story, Fiddler on the Ceiling, and Arachnahoma!
5) A late-night tweet from President Trump demanding “a thousand miles of fences” be placed along the U.S./Mexico border will appall more people than usual until it’s discovered that he accidentally left out the “n” in “fences”.
6) In sports, the International Olympic Committee will vehemently deny accusations that it can be bribed … right after awarding the 2028 Winter Games to Saudi Arabia.
7) Questions about his age will continue to hound presidential hopeful Joe Biden. “No way am I too old!” the candidate will say. “I’m as fit as that fiddle I let Nero borrow!”
8) A freak tornado will touch down in Newark, New Jersey and cause $100 million worth of improvements.
9) NASA will launch its new rover to Mars, in search of evidence of microbial life on the red planet. Due to a trajectory glitch, the vehicle will instead crash-land in a Chuck E. Cheese’s, where it will detect so much microbial life that it will instantly blow all circuits and explode.
10) God will continue to love us no matter what. That’s based on 1 John 4:8: “God is love.” There are many other scriptures to back that up, but I don’t have time to add any. I’ve got to go pre-order tickets to see Spider-Man in Swingy Todd.