First Prize:

“Who’s been using the life boat as a litter box?”

~ Christopher Vaughan: Frisco, TX (wins an autographed copy of each of Cuyler’s three books: Get Me to the Ark on Time, What’s That Funny Look on Your Faith? and The Goat of Many Colors!).

Second Prize:

“Last one in’s an endangered species!”

~ Louis Vavrina: New York, NY (wins a $20 gift credit to the Inherit the Mirth e-Store)

Third Prize:

“Please divide up by prey and predator. Prey to port; predators to starboard.”

~ Karen Russell: Louisville, KY (wins a deck of Inherit the Mirth playing cards)!

Honorable Mention:

“I don’t care if you don’t have opposable thumbs, get in the rowboat!”

~ Tambra Tice: Aurora, CO

“Looks like there’s enough room for everyone but the unicorns. I’m sure they’ll be fine…”

~ Lynn McKinnon: St. Peter’s, Nova Scotia

“This is the only one the beavers didn’t get to, okay?”

~ Ruben Pekary: East Palo Alto, CA

“Everything else came aboard in twos. I’m sure there’s another lifeboat.”

~ Anne Crawford

Noah momentarily lost sight of his mission. “All females of the species into the lifeboat!”

~ Jack Wert: Fort Myers, FL

“Do I have any volunteers to be in the lifeboat with the elephants?”

~ Cheryl Bailes: Burke, VA

First Prize: An autographed copy of each of Cuyler’s three books: Get Me to the Ark on Time, What’s That Funny Look on Your Faith? and The Goat of Many Colors!

Second Prize: $20 gift credit to our e-Store!

Third Prize: A deck of Inherit the Mirth playing cards!

If not already registered for our Blog page, go to “Join Our Blogging Community”

Yes, that’s right; I follow the movie industry closely. And I continue to notice that Hollywood ignores the vast segment of the American populace that would like to see more Christian themes and Christian characters, particularly in good, clean-cut comedies. We Christians like to laugh and we’re tired of films that completely rely on vulgar, raunchy bathroom humor, like The Hangover, Bridesmaids, and that new Margaret Thatcher movie.

For the third year in a row, the Mirthies are awarded to films released during the previous year that simultaneously deal with Christian themes and are genuinely, wholesomely funny. And since I can’t think of any, I will once again have to invent the entries until Hollywood begins to crave the one entertainment award that remains beyond its grasp, and the only one light enough to carry around all night at after-parties because it’s made of tin foil: the prestigious Mirthie Award. Here are the totally made-up nominees for Best Picture:

The Ascendants

After witnessing Jesus ascend to heaven, the apostle Matthew (George Clooney) schemes with his two daughters to somehow ascend to heaven themselves to confront the Lord and exact justice, due to the fact that, as Jesus went up, one of His sandals slipped off, fell a thousand feet, and hit Matthew’s wife, putting her in a coma. Funniest scene: The apostle Peter rows out to the middle of a lake and puts on the dropped sandal, expecting it to help him walk on water. It doesn’t.

The Hellp

A wealthy merchant in first-century Jerusalem suspects his maid is possessed by a demon and asks a local miracle-worker named Jesus to cast it out. Funniest scene: Approaching the maid while she’s folding bed sheets, Jesus says, “Satan?” The maid replies, “No, cotton.”

Midnight Mass in Paris

In this latest film by Woody Allen, an atheist screenwriter (Owen Wilson), on a pleasure trip to Paris, is mysteriously drawn to a Catholic church each night at midnight. There the screenwriter supernaturally encounters various Biblical characters, such as Abraham, Moses, and the apostle Paul, who convince him that God exists. Funniest scene:  After investing in a chain of French restaurants, the screenwriter begs Moses to summon another plague of frogs and a plague of snails.

Moneychurch

Brad Pitt plays the pastor of a financially strained church in Oakland, California. In order to compete with the megachurches growing all around him, he has to outsmart them on a small budget. He hires a number-crunching geek, who, using a complex combination of algorithms and computer-generated analysis, calculates that the church can succeed by letting lots of women know that the pastor looks, in fact, like Brad Pitt. Funniest scene: A church elder shouts “It’s the Holy Ghost!” when he sees a pale, thin figure hovering next to the pastor. Turns out it’s just Angelina Jolie.

War Hoarse

In Old Testament times, as God prepares to send war upon a disobedient Israel, the prophet Ezekiel gets laryngitis after months of shouting at the Israelites to repent. Reduced to transmitting his warnings with silent gestures, Ezekiel is mistaken in one town for being an entertaining mime and is showered with coins by his audience. Funniest scene: After Ezekiel decides to switch careers and become a full-time mime, God punishes him by trapping him in an invisible box for a month.

So those are my nominees for the 2011 Mirthie Awards. A pity that Hollywood doesn’t have the imagination to create such potential classics itself. It makes me sad, both as a Christian and as a film buff. Until next year, in the famous words of mafia boss Don Corleone in It’s a Wonderful Life: “Hasta la vista, baby.”

Peace, joy & laughter,

Cuyler

Question: What’s your favorite movie with a religious theme?

First Prize:

“Of course Super-size me… What do I have to lose?”

~ Michael Byl: Ridgefield, CT (wins one each of 7 greeting card box sets).

Second Prize:

“Can I put this on credit?”

~ Tambra Tice: Poway, CA (wins a $25 gift credit to the Inherit the Mirth e-Store)

Third Prize:

“Just how fast IS your food?”

~ Connie Kamradt: Stevensville, MI (wins a 36-pack of Mini Mirths pass-along cards)

Honorable Mention:

“I don’t have money, but I have a tip.”

~ Ruben Pekary: East Palo Alto, CA

“End of the world? No, just the end of my fast!”

~ Josh McNeal: Missoula, MT

“I’m on my way to the Super Bowl. I’ve got seats at the 15-yard line.”

~ JEF

“Man cannot live on threat alone!”

~ Dan Istvanik: Mansfield, OH

“Will it be love before first sight? Let’s find out! Our bachelorette is 27-year old Marla Binkley of Rochester, New York! Marla is completely unaware that The Dating Game’s producers have recently invested millions in the development of a time machine— money saved from never sending couples to glamorous destinations—and have used that time machine to bring to the future three famous men from the Bible– Marla’s favorite book! These men were captur—uh, selected—from times so long ago that they’re now widowers and therefore bachelors! We think they have a vague idea of what’s going on!

“Please welcome, from the Garden of Eden, Bachelor #1—Adam! Plucked from the inside of a very big boat, Bachelor #2—Noah! And whisked away from a desert wilderness, Bachelor #3—Moses! Now let’s bring out our beautiful bachelorette from the sound-proof waiting area! Hello, Marla! Have a seat on this side of the screen and begin your interviewing!”

“Okey-dokey… Bachelor #1, say something to me that would melt the heart of any woman.”

“Wait… there’s more than one woman?”

“Good answer, Bachelor #1! Let’s see… Bachelor #2, finish this sentence: I’d do anything for you except…”

“Stand with you under a seasick giraffe.”

“Umm, okay… and Bachelor #3, what is your idea of a romantic evening?”

“I climb a mountain and, as the sun sets, the presence of the Lord Almighty appears in a cloud. He and I spend hours in each other’s company. In the morning I descend, full of joy, with new instructions God has engraved in stone.”

“What about me?”

“No, stone is better. Eventually your skin would get wrinkly and be hard to read.”

“Um, back to you, Bachelor #1… What do you look for in a woman?”

“Good decision-making. Someone who isn’t going to destroy our lives over a stupid apple.”

“Apple? You mean her laptop?”

“Her laptop is covered with a fig leaf now. So’s mine. We miss being naked.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, but are you saying you’re involved with someone now? Are you playing the field?”

“I’m working the field. Sweating over the land doing back-breaking labor for the rest of my life because of her! Paradise is lost!”

“Sounds like you have unresolved issues with another woman, Bachelor #1. Bachelor #3… if your house is on fire, what do you grab as you run out?”

“If by ‘house’ you mean ‘Egypt’, and if by ‘on fire’ you mean ‘intolerable’, then I grab my people, the enslaved nation of Israel, and lead them all out to safety and freedom in the Promised Land!”

“What if by ‘house’ I just meant ‘house’?”

“Oh. Then my fondue set.”

“Bachelor #2… What do you see yourself doing ten years from now?”

“Probably curling up in the fetal position and crying every time I see rain.”

“You sound like the sensitive type.”

“Well, my nose is sensitive. I have a very strong sense of smell. It’s a bit of a cruel joke played on me by Someone who stuck me for forty days in an enclosed space crammed with foul, disgusting animals.”

“Oh, are you in the cast of Jersey Shore?”

“Marla, as host, I’m afraid I have to tell you we’re almost out of time! You have ten seconds to make a decision. Which bachelor do you choose, and why?”

“Wow, Mike, this is really difficult! I mean, they’re all kind of weird. Do I have to go on a date with one?”

“Yes, you do! The entire economy of Rome, Iowa is depending on it!”

“Gosh… um… well, I guess I’ll choose Bachelor #3. He seems to enjoy mountain climbing and so do I. So that’s one thing in common.”

“Bachelor #3, come on out from behind the screen! Marla, meet Moses!”

“Shalom, woman.”

“Uh, hello. That’s quite a beard you have.”

“The mountain experiences I do alone. You’ll have to wait in the foothills when I go up.”

“Like heck I will! You’re not the boss of me.”

“Impudent tongue! I can see why no man has yet coveted you!”

“What?! How dare you?! You want a piece of me, mountain man?”

“Let… my… windpipe… go!”

“This is Mike Dupp, saying ‘See you next time on The Dating Game: Bible Version!’ Our time-traveled bachelors will be David and Goliath, plus Samson, who will sit between them!”

Peace, joy & laughter,

Cuyler

Question: Tell about a funny and/or horrible date you once went on! Submit below.

First Prize: One each of seven of the new greeting card box sets: Birthday sets 1,2,3, Thank You, Friendship, and Variety 1,2! That’s 84 FREE GREETING CARDS!!

Second Prize: $25 gift credit to our e-Store!

Third Prize: A 36-pack of Mini Mirths!

If not already registered for our Blog page, go to “Join Our Blogging Community”

“Knock knock,” said Joseph as he banged on the heavy door.

“Who’s there?” came a gruff voice from the other side.

“Some travelers seeking shelter.”

“Sorry, no room at the inn.”

“But your sign says ‘Vacancy’.”

A slot opened in the door and an eye peered out, glowering. “That doesn’t mean anything. The sign also says ‘Free Wi-Fi’ and that won’t be invented for two thousand years.”

“Please, sir,” said Joseph. “My wife is with me and expecting a baby at any hour.”

“God be with you.”

“You have no idea.”

“Can’t help you.” The slot slid shut.

Joseph knocked again. “Innkeeper! If you can show us hospitality, we’ll name the baby in your honor!”

Mary, sitting on a donkey, spoke up for the first time. “Joe, you can’t promise that! Remember what the angel told me nine months ago in Nazareth? We’re to name the child Jesus.”

“So what if we don’t?” Joseph shrugged. “It’s not like a name change is going to mess up God’s cosmic plan. We could call him Snagglepuss and he’d still grow up to be the Messiah.”

Joseph pounded the door. “Did you hear me, innkeeper? We’ll name our baby after you!”

The aperture opened again. “Did I hear you right? Really? You’ll name him Jesus?”

“Your name is Jesus?”

Mary rolled her eyes at her husband. “You are so lucky, Joe.”

“Look, maybe there’s something I can do,” said the innkeeper. “I’ll be right back.”

Just then a voice shouted from above. “Joe! Hey, Joe! It’s your cousin Amos!” The couple looked up at a head stuck out a third story window. “A little late in the day to find a room, isn’t it? Any luck?”

“Not sure. How are you, Amos?”

Mary whispered to her husband, “You never told me about a cousin Amos.”

“The less you know, the better,” he whispered back.

“I’m doing great!” Amos yelled down. “I’m a well-paid actor with the King Herod’s Players! We put on shows for his majesty’s entertainment. When I get back to Jerusalem after this census nonsense, I’m starring in a new production called Abrahamlet. It’s about a guy who can’t decide whether to put his faith in God or not. Hey, c’mon up and see my room! It’s huge!”

Joseph turned to Mary and sighed. “Wait here for the innkeeper.”

Joseph stepped into the hotel. It was crammed with journeyers who had all returned to their hometown, in this case Bethlehem, to be registered for the Emperor’s population tally of the Roman world. It was in this normally sleepy little village that Joseph had grown up, down the street from his cousin Amos’ family. Amos had three sisters and two brothers, all of them wallflowers. But not Amos. He craved being the center of attention. The nickname he got as a kid was “Lamp”. Amos loved it and thought it was bestowed upon him because he shone brighter than any of the other kids. The real reason, which Joseph wasn’t sure Amos ever discovered, was because it was an acronym for “Look at me, people!”, something Amos used to shout a hundred times a day.

Joseph maneuvered his way past countless travelers going up and down the winding staircase, and made his way to the third floor. Amos stood in the crowded hallway, arms stretched wide for an embrace. “This is the size of Herod’s grin whenever he sees my brilliant acting!” Okay, not for an embrace. He led Joseph into his room, a spacious chamber large enough to accommodate three families, yet Amos had it all to himself. “When I’m rehearsing a role, I need room to pace. It helps me learn my lines. Listen to this!” He launched into a monologue by his character. When finished, he closed his eyes and smiled, as though hearing the adulation of a large audience. Joseph didn’t know if he should clap or not, electing to just stand there until Amos emerged from his basking.

“As you can tell, I’m a supremely gifted thespian, but I grow restless, Joe. I have so many untapped talents. Now I want to write. I want to write a play for Herod that history will forever consider the greatest story ever told.”

“Good luck with that.”

“But I need an idea. Something epic! A spectacular concept with a cosmic scope! God and men, kings and peasants! I envision some unlikely protagonists on a stupendously precarious mission to save the world!”

“I should be getting back to my wife.”

“Stay here, Joe, the two of you! We’ll get an extra bed. I’ve got plenty of space. Perhaps one of you will be my muse! It goes without saying that I’d be the creative genius– I doubt a lowly carpenter and his wife receive much in the way of divine inspiration– but I can bounce concepts off you, lines of dialogue, we’ll act out scenes together! Say yes, cousin! It will be the most meaningful thing you’ll ever do in your otherwise ordinary little life!”

“That’s quite an offer, Lamp,” said Joseph. He left Amos’ quarters and returned to the first floor. The innkeeper approached him through the crowd.

“There you are! The best I can do is make room in the cave out back where I keep some animals. It’s dirty, smelly, cold and incredibly uncomfortable.”

Joseph thought about the warm, spacious accommodations suddenly made available upstairs. Then he thought about Amos.

“We’ll take it.”

Merry Christmas,

Cuyler

Addressing, for a moment, my male readers only, I want you guys to know that I am on your side– the side that would not, if romantically unattached, volunteer to support the filmmaking phenomenon that is the Twilight series, on the grounds that it is, by almost all critical appraisals, cinematic torture unless you are a teenage girl. So while we men, if being selfish, would rather stand naked at the North Pole and shave our chests with cheese graters than attend this movie, we recognize that the teenage girl that is alive and well inside our adult wife or girlfriend must be appeased from time to time or else she will not return the favor and go with us to see Robot Apes vs. Scantily-Clad Vixen Commando Babes, or some other such Oscar contender we hope will someday get made. I guess that’s still being selfish, but she might not catch on.

And so it was that last Saturday I further deepened Lisa’s love and admiration for me with the mere purchase of a couple of matinee tickets and a $79 bag of medium-size popcorn. She was so happy that she didn’t even mind I kept calling the movie Breaking Wind. “Look,” she admitted, “These films are terrible, but there’s something about Robert Pattinson. He’s so sexy.” For those of you living lives of significance, and who are therefore unaware of this heartthrob, Robert Pattinson is the romantic lead, a young actor with the emotive skills of an ironing board.

“I don’t get it,” I said. “He’s pale, thin, and bland. You must also find Communion wafers sexy.”

“Shush.”

Going into it, I didn’t know much about the Twilight series except that it’s about a teenage girl who falls in love with a vampire. From the movie I learned that this vampire hangs around with a small group of other vampires who are nothing like the old Hollywood monsters. These ones are all ridiculously good-looking, shop at Banana Republic, and are vegetarian. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing scary about watching a vampire sink its fangs into the neck of a butternut squash.

So it seems the girl is safe with this bunch, but then she marries Communion Wafer and gets pregnant on the honeymoon. There’s some mumbo-jumbo about how the baby, which is supernaturally growing in her womb even faster than the public relations budget at Penn State, will be born a demon and must be destroyed; in the meantime, it’s sucking the life out of the young mom, which I thought was a brilliant metaphor for what watching the movie does to the viewer.

There’s also some subplot involving werewolves who don’t get along with the vampires. The two factions seem to fight in the woods a lot, leading me to pose the question, “If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there worth caring about, why can’t it crush them all and end this film before I poke out my eyes with my car key?”

Anyway, if there’s a redeeming subtext underlying the whole series, it might be that deep down every girl wants a guy who will be passionate about her forever, who will be faithful and trustworthy and self-sacrificing, and ultimately there’s only one man who can perfectly do that. Jesus’ love is forever. It’s complete and it’s life-giving, on through eternity. Maybe some Twi-hards, as they’re called, will find themselves searching for their place in that more profound and true story of love and blood and mystery.

Breaking Dawn may be two hours of my life that I’ll never get back… but, thank God and his Son, I’ve got forever to look forward to, so I shouldn’t complain too much.

Not when I can complain about the price of movie theatre popcorn. Talk about bloodsuckers.

Peace, joy & laughter,

Cuyler

Question: What’s your favorite movie?

Years ago, in my early twenties and living in Canada, I was visiting my friend Doug. He lived high up in an apartment building in Toronto. At the end of the weekend, it was time for me to return home. I had a two-hour drive ahead of me, which needed to be capped off by a detour to a supermarket to pick up an entrée for dinner that night. Some pals of mine were preparing one of those murder mystery parties that were all the rage for about five minutes back in the mid-nineties.

Here’s how it works: a few days before a murder mystery party all the participants are given a profile of a character they’re each to dress up as and play during the evening. One person portrays a detective, and all the others become suspects in a murder investigation that goes on during the meal. It’s kind of like life-size Clue with dinner rolls and punch. And really bad acting. Anyway, I was in charge of showing up with the main course.

Getting into the elevator at Doug’s, I pressed the “down” button, and then proceeded to test the acoustics by singing Love in an Elevator by Aerosmith. Suddenly I noticed a plastic bag lying forlornly in a corner. I bent over and peered inside. It was a $25 pot roast.

Clearly, someone had not picked up all their grocery bags when they got off on their floor. What a shame. The pot roast was likely the most expensive item the shopper had bought that day– much more expensive than any of the fabulous items available from Inherit the Mirth, each of which would make a great Christmas present or stocking stuffer this year! But I digress. Back to the pot roast– it was not cheap.

Well, it was for me. I actually did try to locate its owner. I knocked on the superintendent’s door and asked him if anyone had reported a missing pot roast. It was like a scene from some bad TV show called CSI: Careless Shopper Investigation. But no one had, and the supe refused to be a meat-sitter until someone came looking for it.

So I took the meat home, cooked it, and served it to my friends. Needless to say, it would have been quite ironic if the roast had been poisoned and we were all murdered at a murder mystery party. What can I say?–  when I find a slab of beef in an apartment elevator, I’m a trusting fellow. My friends, not so much. I told them in advance about where I got the meat, so they made me take the first bite. Somebody stood next to me with “9-1” already dialed.

Here’s the thing: I needed to buy an entrée that night to feed eight people, and God provided in an unexpected way, maybe because He knew I didn’t have much money at the time. To me, it was a sign of His providence. To you, the reader, it’s a sign that I should never be unsupervised. When I told my wife this story just before our honeymoon, she was worried I was going to keep putting sand in my mouth at the beach.

Long ago in a Middle Eastern desert, the Lord provided daily sustenance to the Israelites in an unexpected way: bread from the sky. He looked after His loved ones then, and still does today. And you’re a loved one.

Open your eyes. At some point today, God has dropped manna from heaven right into your lap. It may not be celestial pitas or an elevator pot roast, but it may be an encouraging word from a friend or co-worker… someone picking up the check at lunch… a hug from your child… a perfect parking spot… a funny joke you’ve never heard… no wait at a popular restaurant… cleaning out a drawer and finding a twenty-dollar bill… cleaning out your belly button and finding a twenty-dollar bill…

God is full of surprise blessings. It’s the little ones that He peppers our day with that we often fail to offer thanks for, or even notice.

And speaking of pepper, I need to go sprinkle some on the pork chops I’m marinating. Found a package of them yesterday on a park bench. Our God is an awesome God.

Peace, joy & laughter,

Cuyler

Question: What’s a surprise blessing that’s come your way recently?

“Just a label saying ‘Intended for use by adolescent boys lacking the confidence to be Batman.’”

Finally she stood in front of our bathroom mirror, decked out in red and green Spandex and a yellow cape. “I look like an idiot.”

“A super-idiot,” I corrected her.

As we drove off to the party in full costume, it was easy for me to imagine that I was indeed Batman, gripping the wheel of the sleek and intimidating Batmobile, zooming off in pursuit of evildoers. “Activate!” I commanded Robin, pointing to the rocket-launcher controls.

“Those are cup holders,” said the Boy Wonder, in an irritating female voice.

When I was a kid, my allowance was invariably spent on comic books. Heaps of them were stacked around my room. They were rich repositories of escapist adventure, but also of important life lessons, like “Never give in to evil”, and “Only superheroes are admired for wearing underwear over their pants” (as I learned the hard way one day in 5^th grade while making a fashion statement).

I went to sleep every night gazing at superhero stickers I’d pasted to the headboard of my bunk bed: Batman and Robin… Superman… the Flash… Aquaman… Hawkman (I had a Wonder Woman sticker too, but didn’t place it near my head for fear of girl cooties). In fact, what inspired me to become a cartoonist was watching my grandfather draw a full-color picture of Superman on each of my little white rubber rain boots when I was six. I remember thinking, “Wow. I want to be able to draw like that.” I also remember thinking “Wow. I can’t believe my grandfather is charging me five dollars per Superman drawing. I’m six!” I learned a lot from him about business.

These days it seems like every other film being released is a superhero movie. Multiplexes have been jammed lately with The Green Hornet, Thor, X-Men, Green Lantern, and Captain America. A few years ago I took a date to see a Batman movie. As we left the theater, holding hands, she said, “So are you my hero? Would you die for me?” I looked deeply into her eyes and said, “No. Mine is an undying love.” I think we broke up that night.

Maybe people flock to these flicks because deep down they’re hungry for heroes. Political figures, athletes, movie stars, business titans… sooner or later their light dims either from self-destruction or scandalous revelation. The pedestals we put celebrities on are as sturdy as soufflés. But fictional superheroes, for all the flaws placed in them by writers, can always be counted on to fight for what’s right and to be super when it matters.

Christians, of course, believe that Jesus is the ultimate hero. He beat the toughest Enemy and will never let anyone down who puts faith in him. I wonder if he’s planning on looking more like a superhero when he returns someday. I used to picture him arriving in a glowing white robe, but really that’s so first century. I could see his conversation with Wardrobe, days before the Second Coming, going something like this:

“Here’s what we’re thinking, Lord… Stylish. Regal. AND aerodynamic for your descent through the clouds. A bodysuit– purple, the color of royalty– with a flowing gold cape and a big star across your chest.”

“A star?”

“At the end of Revelation, you called yourself the bright Morning Star. Remember? Such a hopeful image!”

“I do remember. I don’t remember calling myself the bright purple Morning Star though.”

“You’ll look fabulous! The army of angels preceding you to Earth will announce “Behold! He comes! Captain Morning Star!’”

“Captain Morning Star?”

“Gives you a real superhero vibe. The gang in Marketing loves it.”

“I appreciate the effort, but it’s not me. What’s that barking?”

“Your sidekick.”

“A dog?”

“SonSpot the Wonder Dog.”

“I need to go see my Dad.”

None of us know, of course, how Jesus will appear when he returns. But forgive the kid in me for hoping it will be in a really cool Messiah-mobile. And yes, it’ll probably have a cup holder for a victory drink.

Peace, joy & laughter,

Cuyler

Question: Who are some of your earthly heroes (real or fictional)?

First Prize:

“Come down, we can talk about this evolution thing ‘man to man’!”

~ Cheryl Bailes: Burke, VA (wins one each of the 8 new greeting card box sets).

Second Prize:

Marriage training at the New Couples Retreat gets a little out of hand.

or

“A little more to the right… no, no, now back some. Perfect! The steeple’s straight again!”

~ Hannah Bowers: Birmingham, AL (wins a $25 gift credit to the Inherit the Mirth e-Store)

Third Prize:

“This is the best we could do, there’s no more seating for friends of the bride!”

~ Jodi Bollig: Tempe, AZ (wins a Inherit the Mirth 2012 wall calendar)

Honorable Mention:

Kong was on his way down after the pastor announced the deacons’ acceptance of “chest beatings and loud outcries” during praise worship.

~ “agvolvofl”

“Ok now, listen up! Put your hands up! You have the right to remain silen– oops!”

~ Mary Hood: Morrill, NE

“Listen, if you can’t control your urges to climb the steeple, I can’t help you with marriage counseling.”

~ Barry Wiseman: Glen Rose, TX

“Mrs. Johnson, I believe you need to be saved.”

~ Ruben Pekary, East Palo Alto, CA

Ok, ok, Kong, Ms. Smith will be your Sunday School teacher again this year!”

~ “agvolvofl”